Welcome to English Forums. You are obviously a very bright guy, so I won't comment on the content. You can decide yourself what you want to write about and how it is written. Rather I will simply focus on the grammar portion.
I shall in the following briefly describe my accomplishments since my graduation from high school in 2001. First of all I want to point out that all the grades indicated in the text below are based on the French grading system.
After graduating from high school I was awarded a prize for my high school thesis in math from the Mathematical Department of the University of Limoges. Also, because of my accomplishments at High School (GPA of 18) I was allowed to participate at a test for high skilled students in Paris. Because of my test results I was awarded a scholarship from the French government for my upcoming studies at university. I opted/chose for the option of a double major and decided to choose mathematics [deleted words] and applied math with a minor in economics. In October 2001 I began my studies at the University of Limoges. After completing the intermediate exam at the University of Limoges in 2003 in both mathematics (“graduation with honors”, GPA of 18) and applied math combined with economics (GPA of 17) I was awarded a scholarship from the University of California at Berkeley. The University of Berkeley gave me the opportunity to spend one academic year at Berkeley.
During my first semester in Berkeley I was among the top 4% of students in the College of Letters and Science and thus was placed on the Letters and Science Dean’s Honors List. This achievement allowed me to participate in honors courses during my second semester in Berkeley.
Finally I want to mention all the memberships I currently hold. I was awarded memberships for the French Association of Physics, for the National Society of Collegiate Scholars (NSCS) and I was awarded a membership for efo, a French association for outstanding students. Furthermore, I am a lifelong member of the Alumni Organisation of the University of Berkeley.
To complete this section I would like to summarize my hobbies and interests beside academic ones. I enjoy sharing a big part of my spare time with my girlfriend and my family. In addition, I spend some part of my free time listening to music and I also practice some sports. I run [changes made] on a regular basis and occasionally I play tennis and table tennis.
I learned of the banking seminar in Paris using the Career Search database of efo. I would like to apply to your seminar since I am very interested in participating at this event. [Last sentence doesn't say much.] From my research on your web site, I believe there would be a good fit between my skills and interests and your demands.
Currently I am working towards my Master’s Degree at the University of Limoges. I plan to complete my diploma Degree? in both mathematics and applied math with a minor in economics no later than at the beginning of 2006.
Through the study of mathematics I could [or have?] develop strong analytical thinking and problem-solving skills. In addition, with? the combined major applied math and economics I could [or have?] learn about applications of mathematics and I could [or have?] gain additional knowledge in computer science and economics. In the latter one I specialized in political economics.don't understand last sentence.
During my recently completed academic year at Berkeley, I found the conditions excellent to not only pursue my studies but also to improve my knowledge of the English language. In addition, I have a very good knowledge of German. why not just say you are fluent in German?
I believe that the combination of analytic skills I could develop during my studies of mathematics and additional knowledge in computer science and economics is well-suited for a job in a branch like investment banking. Furthermore I have a strong private interest in stock markets and current economic issues and I am really interested in an investment banking position upon completion of my degree. Also, I have often heard about JPMorgan in the context of projects in investment management, and my aspiration is to work for a company that has your excellent reputation.
All in all to participate at the banking seminar you offer in Paris would be an opportunity I would really welcome. I very much appreciate your time and consideration of my request, and I look forward to hearing from you.
As you stated in your opening remarks, you don't care about the subject matter, so I won't comment there. As far as English is concerned, you appear to have a strong grasp of English. I don't see any strong faults. I might change the "could" to "have" with the consequent changes that follow.
For what it is worth, blood letting continues on Wall Street and there is still excess capacity. The markets are weak and are likely to remain so for a while yet. The recent Google IPO has rocked Wall Street in that the traditional ways of making money have been shattered. Fees are coming down. In essence, the climate is tough and the competition for positions will be even tougher. That said, you have several advantages in that you have several languages, you have international experience, and you are obviously bright.
That is, you have a lot you could say, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you should try to say everything.
Be selective. Organize your essay around a unifying theme rather than merely listing your accomplishments.
Give good examples and explanations
Try to avoid making statements that could be cut and pasted out of your essay and into someone else's with little difficulty. One detail is worth a thousand cliches.
For example, "I have always wanted to be a doctor because I enjoy helping people," is a sentiment with which almost anyone applying to medical school might agree.
Make this idea meaningful by giving an example of something that inspired your interest. Explain how and why it had an effect on you. These details show your enthusiasm and dedication far more effectively than just saying that you care about something does.
Help your reader
Be sure that at some level, you are helping your reader understand how the information you are providing demonstrates your potential for this kind of advanced study as well as the soundness of your reasons for pursuing it.
Follow instructions carefully
Make sure that your essay is responding to the question(s).
Cover your bases
Make sure that you've called attention to your successes and relevant experience and that you've explained any discrepancies in your record.
Proofread your essay!
Spelling, typographical, and grammatical errors are the written equivalent of having wrinkled clothes and bad breath on a job interview.
They immediately suggest a lack of professionalism to a reader who has to make quick judgements about potentially hundreds of candidates.
Leave yourself time to proofread and enlist the help of others to make sure that your essay is immaculate.
Take a look at these frequently asked questions about application essays for more information before you start writing.